Well, I’ve gone and done it… made myself sick over the pressure of wanting to get things done. Just a virus, but I’m very aware that it was brought on by having an unrealistic to-do list. So, for the last two days, I’ve backed off completely. Every once in a while I come back to this theme and it’s because I need to be reminded that I’m not Superwoman. Sometimes the desire to succeed, to create, to perform becomes a heckuva pressure, though. When I get caught up in it, I start moving fast and try to accomplish too much. Instead of positive motivation, I am fueled by fear, which becomes stress. Once the dust settles, I always comes back to this: “Why am I working in clay?”. After a fashion, when my answers start surfacing, they are always balm for the soul. I’ve never let myself down because it’s the true heart of the matter: “For the joy of creating.” “To explore my creativity.” “To see where it leads.” When I consider my true, deep down intentions, then compare them to the nattering self-talk that makes me so frazzled, I realize I have to go back to the drawing board over expectations. When I do, I always end up acknowledging they are a trap that leads to no good. So, here I sit in my bathrobe. Yesterday, I treated myself to cartoons on television, many of which I hadn’t seen for years, and it was good medicine. Bugs Bunny, Sylvester and Tweety, the Flintstones, the Jetsons. Cushioned by pillows and blankets on the couch, I just dozed between cartoons.
When I consider what I actually have accomplished lately, I blink my eyes, wondering how I could ever think it was not enough. Here’s a rundown of what I did since last week.
- Made a plaster mold for some new relief work
- Underglazed and glazed about 36 pendants
- Waxed and glazed a new batch of Northern Lights tiles
- Retrieved newly bisqued escutcheon tiles,
- along with a stack of tiles from my new series
What I had planned on doing yesterday will be put off until next week because I’m going to take short break while I finish a few other things. Tomorrow, I will go to the studio to pick up about 50-60 glazed pendants, along with the aurora tiles. On Tuesday, if I feel restored, I will make several tests of my new tile series, using celadon and other glazes and glass. I will also start a new batch of 6 x 6 tiles that will be part of my new series. I’ll also check the drying stage of a batch of Sunrise tiles and new relief stamps, a dragonfly and two ginkgo leaves. And do so only if I am filled with the sheer joy of creativity, unfettered by expectations. I could have disregarded my health and well-being and gone in yesterday to work on all these things. But for what purpose? I’m not competing with anyone. So, it’s good medicine and self-love time. As I take a break and relax, my fears abate and as this happens, I start becoming well once again.